Collapsed- Piper and Leo

[LaToya]

INDEX CARD

TITLE:Collapsed- Piper and Leo
AUTHOR:Toy

TYPE (one-shot, chapters, part of a series):One Shot
RATING: (K, T, M, MA):T

LEAD CHARACTERS:Piper, Leo
ORIGINAL CHARACTERS:None
SHORT SUMMARY:

This is just an Idea of what Piper had went through with Leo and Dan, what she may have been thinking..Piper is dating Dan ,but is thinking about Leo.She then thinks about how much she liked him and then just let it collapse.This is my first song-fic !It seems to be the new theme so why not?

A/N: This is Collapsed, by Aly and Aj I think it fits Piper and Leo smoothly!

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Piper sits down on her bed. She smooths the empty area where Leo could possibly sleep. Music begins to play as she closes her eyes.

You were the one
That I couldn't find
Hidden away
In the ups of my mind


She looks around then she stares at the doorway. A scene of them standing there plays. She was so shy,but Leo was to. She smiles as the memory fades.

Why did I let you go
You're to good to be true
I messed it up and now I don't know what to do
We ran in circles and wasted time
From right to wrong
From right to wrong

Piper stands up tears on her cheeks. She walks out the door.

If I
Knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time

Piper walks up into the attic.

I wish I could erase the past

She then slams the door.

Now its all collapsed
In my lap

Piper then walks over to a card Leo had given her. She smiles as she picks it up and walks over to the couch.

I over thought
So I locked up my heart ,yeah
There you stood
You're blue eyes hidden underneath your hurt

She slowly reads it his voice playing in her head.She hears him saying this:

Why did I let you go
You're to good to be true
I messed it up and now I don't know what to do
We ran in circles and wasted time
From right to wrong
From right to wrong


If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past
Now its all collapsed
In my lap

Piper smiles as she slowly closes her eyes and begins to sleep. She has a dream she is answering the door and Dan is standing there.

My mind is blank just like a deep sleep
With a meeting with a guy with the same blue eyes
And the same name with a colored shoe
I can't believe they have the same hat with my old mate
Then I will make another mistake
And think that he's just another fake

The dream ends as Piper wakes up from Leo slamming the door. She looks up to see the attic door. She smiles as she plays another memory of Leo standing there.

Wish I could erase the past
Wish I could bring you back


Piper hears the doorbell and gives a concerned look. The scene fades to Piper at the door. She puts her hand slowly on the knob.

If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past
Now its all collapsed
In my lap

Piper opens the door to see Dan. She smiles widely, thinking it's Leo.

If I knew that you were mine
I wouldn't have wasted time
I wish I could erase the past

Her image of Leo turns into smoke and disappears as she stops smiling to see it is Dan. Dan watches her as tears come to her eyes," What's wrong honey?" He asked as he took her into his arms.

She looks at him crying," Now It's all collapsed, In my lap!" She said as the scene fades with Dan holding her and she is crying.

[Esmeralda]

Very, very nicely done, Toy. You took a song that fits the situation perfectly and did a beautiful job of making it fit Leo and Piper. Especially because Piper's triangle with Leo and Dan is my favorite storyline on Charmed, I thoroughly enjoyed this.

I see just one problem, the same problem I saw when I glanced over your longer fic, which I'll read more thoroughly later after I transfer from other sites my reviews for the fics I've already read. There's no way this could take place between Season One and Season Two. Piper didn't meet Dan until the premiere of Season Two and she didn't have problems with Leo until the Season Two episode, "The Devil's Music",, the same way Paige didn't meet Brody until during Season Seven.

Your better way to place both fics is to say that they're alternate universe fics that take place during Alternate Season Two (this one) or Alternate Season Seven (your longer fic).

Otherwise, very good job!

[LaToya]

lol, I wasn't sure when they did either lol. I guessed I can change it though that way no one else gets confused. Thanks for showing me that. I wasn't even paying attention.

Thanks,
Toy

[Esmeralda]

LOL. You'll be a lot better writer if you *do* pay attention. Especially when writing fanfics, such things are *very* important or it will bother your readers. But that's all part of being an obviously very new, very young fanfic writer.

Your better bet is not to even say when the fanfic takes place unless you've done your research first. If you do a good job with the fic, your reader will be able to tell soon after they start reading the fic, especially if you did a good job with your summary, which you did.

You won't notice anyone else doing this unless they specifically want to point out the differences, like I did with my "I'll Think of You That Way", since it wouldn't have worked out unless it was an Alternate Universe fic where the horrible events of early Season Five never happened.

Now some writers, like Noazmale at the Cafe, *do* mention when their fics take place, but he does meticulous research to make sure that his fics fit that time period. Yours definitely didn't.

[LaToya]

Thanks, I will pay much more attention, I'll do a lot more Google research as well before I post. Thanks so much for giving me a heads up on how to become a better writer, I really do appreciated it!

Thanks!!!,
Toy

[Melissa]

The song fic is good, of course, but it does help if the time period is correct. I still find it very beautiful though. Also, you are right, Es does give excellent advice to make stories better. I know she has helped me a lot.

[LaToya]

Thanks Melissa!

[Esmeralda]

And thanks to both of you! I'm glad I could help make you better writers. That's part of what I want this site to be about...all of us helping each other become better writers! Undoubtedly you'll end up finding ways of helping me make mine better, and those would be the reviews I would love them most.

[LaToya]

lol it's gonna be hard to find flaws in your wonderful writing!

[Esmeralda]

LOL! Remember the rules about not sucking up! Keep in mind that my fics have been through a lot of different changes as readers find things to improve and I take them up on it the next time I post it at a different site. I'm sure that once I post any brand-new fics, all of you will plenty of flaws!